Masculine Girls and Feminine Guys

I didn't know where to go from “there” because I still believed that being openly gay was against the Christian faith. I knew the passages in the Bible that mentioned “homosexuality” (I use that term loosely) and I knew that most of the Christians in my circle were against homosexuality because of their faith. I wanted a way out, and I wanted to go back. I was obviously reading the Bible and praying heavily about this topic. I’m not here to get into any kind of argument about what the Bible says or does not say about homosexuality, or how we interpret the passages we think speak to homosexuality, or what versions of the Bible actually use the word “homosexuality” and what context they were used in. I can assume that any intelligent adult who has an opinion about homosexuality and the Bible has also read other parts of the Bible and has formed an understanding of the context of what they were reading. I have read them (the verses supposedly about homosexuality). I have read the Bible, I have mulled over these verses, I have cried over these verses, and I have obviously come to a point where I am confident in the choices I have made. 

My relationship with God is one of trust. I trust Him enough to speak through others, to even speak through me, and to me, directly. After getting over that initial “I’m ruined” phase, I again begun to trust the path I was on, and begun to trust that the realizations that I was having were positive. If you know much about me, you’ll know that I won’t take an answer for face value. Even though the Christian leaders from my past and the ones I chose to be around at the time seemed to have things all figured out, that didn't mean I could stop thinking, even if I wanted to turn my brain off and not think or feel. 

With that said, I started to research the broader topic of gender and sexuality more in depth. I started reading books (with real pages), and searching for articles, and watching Youtube videos. I came across an article claiming that we (humans) are not innately attracted to a gender, but we are attracted to individuals first. It claimed that we, keeping an open mind and heart, would be able to find someone of any gender that we could fall in love with. After reading that article and others like it, I thought that was my “out”. Silly me, I wasn't a LESBIAN, per say, I was just a girl that fell in love with another girl.  All I needed to do was find a guy to fall in love with who had a good personality...or something. I thought about this article for a while, reading similar articles and also reading other interesting assertions about sexuality. I decided to try something, an experiment if you will, to see if my mind and heart changed at all. I started to look at the people around me in a different way. I started imagining men as a female version of themselves, and vise versa. I took each personality characteristic, interest, hobby, type of intelligence, and imagined what they would be like as the other gender. With each case, I found them much more attractive emotionally, mentally, and physically, as a female. Sorry to any guys that I have dated, but if any of them were female, I would have been much more into them. I even thought: "Maybe there is a guy out there that is really feminine that I could fall in love with, maybe there is a guy out there that is this, or that, or whatever"…..but at every turn, I came back to the end result that I really just wanted to be with a woman, not a man. 

(Side note: I now realize and respect the spectrum of gender, but for simplicity purposes I kept the above explanation to two genders.)

Another thing that crossed my mind, that I know some of you are thinking is: "Why do you NEED to be with anyone? Why cant you just live happily as a single person?" I won’t delve too deeply into this topic, but I did go through a time when I thought I could be happy as a single person. I know I didn't try it for very many years, but there was a time when I could see myself not needing to be in a committed romantic relationship at all. I am extroverted, I build friendships quickly, form strong bonds quickly and become greatly saddened when friendships end.  I became jaded by friendships that come and go, and I found myself  longing for companionship and commitment that was deeper than a friendship could offer. I knew I could not live happily as a single person, I knew I wanted a committed partnership, and I knew I wanted that with a woman.