Baby, I was Born This Way

I think the most fitting place to start this first entry is by answering the question I was most frequently asked when coming out: how do you know you are gay?

It’s easy for me to look back on memories from childhood, adolescence and high school, and say “Yep, you were most certainly gay then too!” Anyone could have been tipped off to my gayness by my apparent non interest in guys, or my strange obsession with the singer /songwriter Jewel, or the fact that I wore over sized tie-dyed t-shirts with plaid button up shirts overtop, and Birkenstocks with wool socks every day in high school….Or maybe it was because my family dressed me in RAINBOWS when I was a baby! (j/k)....I didn’t suspect I was gay though, until I was about  19, and I didn’t know FOR SURE until I was about 21.  I started coming out at age 23, in April of 2011.

But really, there was a defining moment when I realized for the first time that I was attracted  to women, and that I would never fall in love with a man. It was the same moment I realized that what I felt for a woman was exactly what I was looking for in a relationship with a boyfriend/future husband.  And not in the, “You’re my best friend, if you were a guy I’d want to marry you” kind of way.  In fact, I started looking at guys, past boyfriends, etc.  in the, “If you were a woman, I’d want to marry you” …kind of way.  

I found a very cathartic letter in my journal that was addressed to a friend, forever to remain unsent. When I put the pen down I realized that the letter said “too much”, meaning that I had exposed what was on my heart;  the unrequited love and attraction for a woman and the longing to be with that person as more than a friend. It was the first time I was completely honest about my feelings towards her. I feared that anyone who read that letter would surely know that I was a lesbian, and would surely reject me. My written admittance of my love broke me, because at that point I would never have dreamt of coming out. And at that point, I still believed that being gay was wrong. 

                “…I want to live life on the surface, and have everything be shallow, and not have deep thoughts, and not think all the time. I want to just coast…and be able to take your sucky advice to get a hobby and not think so much. But I can’t do that, I don’t know how. I’ve always thought deeply, that’s who I am….And you really loved that person once. If you met me today you would not like me as much as when we first met, guaranteed. I want to be the person that I was before, not just because you would love me more, but because I was better. I have turned into a person that I don’t like. I feel ruined. I’m someone I don’t want to be, someone who has not lived up to the person I thought God was going to make me to be.  I feel stupid and embarrassed, very very embarrassed for giving you so much of myself and my heart … Our friendship was so tight.…I’m wondering if you feel that or not? What is our friendship to you?  I have been regretting our friendship for a few months now. I’m in so much pain currently, and I feel like I wouldn’t be if I had not gotten so close to you… this is so hard! I’m so scared to ever open up again. I remember telling you about something I was processing and I really opened up…  I believe that you were creeped out by what I told you, and that hurts. How will I open up again, after that happened? I hate the fact that I let myself get so close to you…  Who have I even become? How has God allowed me to be ruined like this? I feel ruined!  I was on such a good path and now I feel like shit, like I’m shit: unlovable, and broken, unable to love. And I want to be so much better than that. I want to be a person that people love and respect. I want God to comfort me and lift me up and tell me that I’m beautiful, but I don’t think that or feel that…. and why doesn’t God tell me if it’s true? ”

I saw a counselor shortly after writing that letter and again felt too exposed to express how I felt. There were other, seemingly more important things going on in my life to talk about with the counselor, but on the forefront of my mind was realizing I was gay and wondering where I could possibly go from there. 

...and yes, the photo above is of me in a rainbow dress and rainbow necklace at age 1 :)