I Can See Clearly Now...

...The Rain Has Gone. 

Deciding to come out was not easy. Getting to that point within me took a lot of self evaluation and years of internal processing.  I knew I was gay, and for months I knew I wanted to come out, but the risk was too severe.

What if my closest friends reject me? What if other people reject me? What if I’m wrong? What if I’m not really Gay? What if my family rejects me? What if NO ONE affirms me? What if people don’t believe me? What if I regret this? What if I never find love? What if I feel worse? What if…

…I’m true to myself? What if I’m completely honest? What if I become happier than I have ever been? What if I do find love? What if people help me? What if I become closer with people? What if I can help others with my story? What if my stress goes away? What if I can start to move on and focus on other things? What If I feel better? What if I’m more confident in myself?

And the list goes on…

When the pros started to overshadow the cons, I knew that it would be better to come out than to stay closeted. The risk of losing friends was worth the chance of finding love.  Honesty with others was worth the risk of rejection. The perceived positive end result of coming out was worth the stress and loneliness of hiding this gigantic secret within me.  The best way I can describe the feeling I had, is to compare it to the feeling of giving someone you love bad news. Maybe it’s the death of a pet or a loved one, maybe you just totaled their car, or that you are going to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It is something that they are eventually going to find out about, but you don’t know how or when to tell them. Combine that feeling with the feeling of an impending test that you are not looking forward to, and that you are highly nervous about. You know that the awful feeling looming over your head will go away only AFTER the test is over, but it’s there, weighing heavily on you until you have put the pencil down and the test is over.  That is how I felt, every day, at-all-times, before coming out. The feeling didn’t start to go away until I had come out to everyone that mattered to me.

The first person I came out to was my dear, DEAR friend, Rachael. Without her, I may have never come out. I think there were a few months when she doubted I would ever come out too. I attempted to come out to her about three times before I actually did. Rachael and I played softball together in grade school and were friends throughout high school, although we became better friends (in my opinion) after high school.  She had come out during high school and I always envied her independence and self awareness. After high school, I would periodically visit her in Philly where she went to college, or we would meet up while she was home on break. I always knew I wasn’t going to be judged by her, no matter what. She was a safe person to be with and I was confident that out of anyone I knew, I was safe being honest with her about anything.

(Early November 2010) After college, Rachael was getting ready to go to basic training for the Air Force, and we were catching up over dinner and ice cream. I was planning on coming out to her, but I psyched myself out way too much and couldn’t do it. (Late April 2011. Almost 7 months later) Rachel was going to be home for a short period of time before moving to California, and I knew that was my small window of opportunity. I was pretty much busting at the seams, needing to come out. We went for a pretty adventurous hike one early morning, where I had my nervous agenda of revealing my sexuality. We stopped for lunch at a rock outcropping, where there was supposed to be an expansive vista. There was so much fog that morning that you couldn’t see more than 20 or 30 feet past the overlook, all we could see were the tops of trees directly beneath us, and the forest behind us, and fog. We sat down on the rocks and ate our lunch of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I was so nervous that I was not hungry at all, and just picked at half of my PB&J. It took me way too long to describe what was on my mind, but it ended in me saying, “so, maybe I’m gay…or something?” In my heart I knew I was gay, but I didn’t want to actually state it, so I kind of asked it. Like I was assuming Rachel was some sort of lesbian prophet, sent here to use her supernatural gaydar powers and could tell me if I’m truly gay or not. Her response surprised me, “Becky, I know you are gay.”  She WAS a lesbian prophet! Hallelu!

After we wrapped up the conversation and packed up the rest of my uneaten PB&J, I looked up out of my figurative fog of intense introspection, and noticed that all of the actual fog from that morning had cleared. We could, all of a sudden, view the beautiful overlook before us. Seriously! There was so much to look at that was not there before. When we first sat down it felt like we were sitting in the middle of the forest, with just trees and grey fog surrounding us. By the time we left the rock outcropping, there was an expanse that we couldn’t even have imagined was there before. The physical experience of the fog clearing is extremely analogous to my spiritual experience of revealing a part of me that is truly beautiful, but was hidden for years. That day I felt like God was very near. The sense of peace and the weightlessness I experienced was an apparent “go ahead” that I needed to share what was on my heart with others. Being honest for the FIRST time made it that much more clear that I needed to come out to everyone. In fact, that’s when and why I started this blog in the first place; I wanted to share what was truly on my heart.

It was another four months until I started to really come out to friends and family. With Rachel’s help and guidance throughout those many months, I was able to come out to my closest friends, my sister Jill, who was like “duh! I Always thought you were gay”, and eventually to everyone else.

None of my other coming out experiences were quite as epic, or as affirming, but with each one I grew into myself more and more, and gained confidence along the way. I think I could write a separate blog post for each coming out story that I have. Some conversations left me in tears; curled up in a ball, some ended on a neutral note, some ended with a concerned hug; knowing that I probably will not have a great friendship with that person from that point on, some left me with great encouragement to continue on in my journey. I was surprised by people who were affirming, and I was surprised by certain people who were starkly against it. My advice to anyone who wants to come out is to have at least one solid person behind you that you know will support you and love you and understand you the whole way. If I didn’t have Rachael to spur me on, I would have had a much harder time coming out. If you don’t have someone like that, talk to me!

 My advice to anyone who experiences someone coming out to them is this: Extend LOVE, and GRACE, and UNDERSTANDING, even if you don’t agree with it.  Do not question it, do not question them. Let them speak their mind, even if it takes a long time. Give them time, more time then you think they need.  When they seem to be done speaking, let them speak more. Tell them that you love them. Hugs are always good! Tell them that you are there for them, and be there for them in whatever capacity is appropriate. Affirm their value as a beautiful person. Keep the conversation open with them even after they are done “coming out” to you. Coming out is not once-and-done; it is more of a process. I’m still coming out. 

as mentioned in this post, I snapped these two pics at the Rock Outcropping right after the fog started to clear. 

Masculine Girls and Feminine Guys

I didn't know where to go from “there” because I still believed that being openly gay was against the Christian faith. I knew the passages in the Bible that mentioned “homosexuality” (I use that term loosely) and I knew that most of the Christians in my circle were against homosexuality because of their faith. I wanted a way out, and I wanted to go back. I was obviously reading the Bible and praying heavily about this topic. I’m not here to get into any kind of argument about what the Bible says or does not say about homosexuality, or how we interpret the passages we think speak to homosexuality, or what versions of the Bible actually use the word “homosexuality” and what context they were used in. I can assume that any intelligent adult who has an opinion about homosexuality and the Bible has also read other parts of the Bible and has formed an understanding of the context of what they were reading. I have read them (the verses supposedly about homosexuality). I have read the Bible, I have mulled over these verses, I have cried over these verses, and I have obviously come to a point where I am confident in the choices I have made. 

My relationship with God is one of trust. I trust Him enough to speak through others, to even speak through me, and to me, directly. After getting over that initial “I’m ruined” phase, I again begun to trust the path I was on, and begun to trust that the realizations that I was having were positive. If you know much about me, you’ll know that I won’t take an answer for face value. Even though the Christian leaders from my past and the ones I chose to be around at the time seemed to have things all figured out, that didn't mean I could stop thinking, even if I wanted to turn my brain off and not think or feel. 

With that said, I started to research the broader topic of gender and sexuality more in depth. I started reading books (with real pages), and searching for articles, and watching Youtube videos. I came across an article claiming that we (humans) are not innately attracted to a gender, but we are attracted to individuals first. It claimed that we, keeping an open mind and heart, would be able to find someone of any gender that we could fall in love with. After reading that article and others like it, I thought that was my “out”. Silly me, I wasn't a LESBIAN, per say, I was just a girl that fell in love with another girl.  All I needed to do was find a guy to fall in love with who had a good personality...or something. I thought about this article for a while, reading similar articles and also reading other interesting assertions about sexuality. I decided to try something, an experiment if you will, to see if my mind and heart changed at all. I started to look at the people around me in a different way. I started imagining men as a female version of themselves, and vise versa. I took each personality characteristic, interest, hobby, type of intelligence, and imagined what they would be like as the other gender. With each case, I found them much more attractive emotionally, mentally, and physically, as a female. Sorry to any guys that I have dated, but if any of them were female, I would have been much more into them. I even thought: "Maybe there is a guy out there that is really feminine that I could fall in love with, maybe there is a guy out there that is this, or that, or whatever"…..but at every turn, I came back to the end result that I really just wanted to be with a woman, not a man. 

(Side note: I now realize and respect the spectrum of gender, but for simplicity purposes I kept the above explanation to two genders.)

Another thing that crossed my mind, that I know some of you are thinking is: "Why do you NEED to be with anyone? Why cant you just live happily as a single person?" I won’t delve too deeply into this topic, but I did go through a time when I thought I could be happy as a single person. I know I didn't try it for very many years, but there was a time when I could see myself not needing to be in a committed romantic relationship at all. I am extroverted, I build friendships quickly, form strong bonds quickly and become greatly saddened when friendships end.  I became jaded by friendships that come and go, and I found myself  longing for companionship and commitment that was deeper than a friendship could offer. I knew I could not live happily as a single person, I knew I wanted a committed partnership, and I knew I wanted that with a woman.  

Baby, I was Born This Way

I think the most fitting place to start this first entry is by answering the question I was most frequently asked when coming out: how do you know you are gay?

It’s easy for me to look back on memories from childhood, adolescence and high school, and say “Yep, you were most certainly gay then too!” Anyone could have been tipped off to my gayness by my apparent non interest in guys, or my strange obsession with the singer /songwriter Jewel, or the fact that I wore over sized tie-dyed t-shirts with plaid button up shirts overtop, and Birkenstocks with wool socks every day in high school….Or maybe it was because my family dressed me in RAINBOWS when I was a baby! (j/k)....I didn’t suspect I was gay though, until I was about  19, and I didn’t know FOR SURE until I was about 21.  I started coming out at age 23, in April of 2011.

But really, there was a defining moment when I realized for the first time that I was attracted  to women, and that I would never fall in love with a man. It was the same moment I realized that what I felt for a woman was exactly what I was looking for in a relationship with a boyfriend/future husband.  And not in the, “You’re my best friend, if you were a guy I’d want to marry you” kind of way.  In fact, I started looking at guys, past boyfriends, etc.  in the, “If you were a woman, I’d want to marry you” …kind of way.  

I found a very cathartic letter in my journal that was addressed to a friend, forever to remain unsent. When I put the pen down I realized that the letter said “too much”, meaning that I had exposed what was on my heart;  the unrequited love and attraction for a woman and the longing to be with that person as more than a friend. It was the first time I was completely honest about my feelings towards her. I feared that anyone who read that letter would surely know that I was a lesbian, and would surely reject me. My written admittance of my love broke me, because at that point I would never have dreamt of coming out. And at that point, I still believed that being gay was wrong. 

                “…I want to live life on the surface, and have everything be shallow, and not have deep thoughts, and not think all the time. I want to just coast…and be able to take your sucky advice to get a hobby and not think so much. But I can’t do that, I don’t know how. I’ve always thought deeply, that’s who I am….And you really loved that person once. If you met me today you would not like me as much as when we first met, guaranteed. I want to be the person that I was before, not just because you would love me more, but because I was better. I have turned into a person that I don’t like. I feel ruined. I’m someone I don’t want to be, someone who has not lived up to the person I thought God was going to make me to be.  I feel stupid and embarrassed, very very embarrassed for giving you so much of myself and my heart … Our friendship was so tight.…I’m wondering if you feel that or not? What is our friendship to you?  I have been regretting our friendship for a few months now. I’m in so much pain currently, and I feel like I wouldn’t be if I had not gotten so close to you… this is so hard! I’m so scared to ever open up again. I remember telling you about something I was processing and I really opened up…  I believe that you were creeped out by what I told you, and that hurts. How will I open up again, after that happened? I hate the fact that I let myself get so close to you…  Who have I even become? How has God allowed me to be ruined like this? I feel ruined!  I was on such a good path and now I feel like shit, like I’m shit: unlovable, and broken, unable to love. And I want to be so much better than that. I want to be a person that people love and respect. I want God to comfort me and lift me up and tell me that I’m beautiful, but I don’t think that or feel that…. and why doesn’t God tell me if it’s true? ”

I saw a counselor shortly after writing that letter and again felt too exposed to express how I felt. There were other, seemingly more important things going on in my life to talk about with the counselor, but on the forefront of my mind was realizing I was gay and wondering where I could possibly go from there. 

...and yes, the photo above is of me in a rainbow dress and rainbow necklace at age 1 :) 

Lesbi-honest

Dear Ones,

Have you heard? Spoiler alert: I’m a lesbian!

In response to the HRC’s 25^th anniversary of “National Coming Out Day” on October 11^th, I will post a series of four blog entries, explaining my coming-out experience. While it may not be of interest to a whole lot of folks, it is a healthy step for me to take as I reflect on where I've come since coming out.

Before I came out 3 years ago, I created this Blog to use as a medium, in real time, for coming out. I had plans of dropping the news in written form with the candor I could not muster during face-to-face interaction.  The entries were going to be candidly poignant, spiritual, intelligent and a little comical.  I was going to convince my little Christian community bubble that….it’s ok to be gay by Jesus! Woot!  

I posted a whopping 2 entries before quitting that endeavor. I realized quickly that I could not CONVINCE anyone of anything and personal interaction (while more difficult) was the more honest and vulnerable way of coming clean. The two entries did not mention gay at all.

After the first few “coming out” conversations unveiled undesirable results, and with courage wearing thin, I believe I dropped off the map in some friends’ lives and minds. I indeed cut some loved ones out of my life and left others with questions. Admittedly, it wasn't fair of me. And honestly, I felt rejected by my Christian community as a whole. I left my Church and was asked to leave the youth group I had been leading. More than that, I became honest with God, others and myself. I can say now that I am more peaceful, happier, healthier, and more in love than I ever imagined I could be. I came to a point where I can speak truthfully without worrying how others are going to respond. I know God loves me, I know my family and friends love me.  The absolute love of my life, Amanda, encourages and loves me every day. From my great love story with Amanda comes my courage to be honest and open and willing to be real.

I implore; if any of you are mildly interested in what I have to say or have questions for me about my journey, please join me by reading the following four posts, keeping an open mind along the way. I encourage comments, questions and written correspondence in any form.  I will post the first on October 11^th.

Much love,

Becky  

http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/national-coming-out-day